It's a
dilemma when friends from long time ago call once in a while and ask: so what
do you do all day? when a re you
going to wrap your time pass and get back to work? what are your plans? I know
non parents will NEVER really "get" parents, because I have been on
the other side not too long ago.
But a
question like this poses a dilemma: whether to accurately explain how
motherhood is something I have willingly embraced and am for whatever reason
actually liking it, or whether to simply wave it off with a vague, generic
reply.
The
dilemma, cuz for some reason I don't want to give people the impression that
I've short changed myself or am drowning in boredom and killing myself with
misery. Yet it's practically impossible to logically explain how nurturing a
child is a joyful experience - without the poetry (" But his smile is all
I need to drive my frown away!" cue: melodramatic music, tears, slow clap,
hugs, yawn, zzz)
The dilemma,
cuz if I even begin to justify how a tiny two & half feet person can take up
our entire bed, entire house, all the minutes of every waking hour of every day
(i.e. Keeps me busier than any job profile can!) it will NEVER look like
fun and WILL most likely look like we are trapped in a torturous life sentence.
Its
not that it "bothers" me per se. But these are people I spent a lot
of time loitering around with when I had a completely different outlook &
priorities in life. I see myself as some one who has matured; I mean isn't it
natural for a person to evolve from how she was in her teens or her twenties to
what she is in her thirties! And I totally respect the decision made by others
to stay single or not have kids or have more than one kid etc. And I know when
I'm asked questions it's sheer curiosity.
Its
hard to explain how everytime I drop him at school or put him to sleep I feel a
wave of relief brush through me yet on the same hand I have a big smile when I
pick him up from school or when he taps to wake me up every morning. it's a
series of laborious chores yet he evolves every week, every day bringing new
challenges and waving goodbye to the old ones. It's frustrating to face
meltdowns yet a challenge to calm him down and explain what is the right thing
to do, and feel happy when you watch your effort pay off every time he does it
right. It is painful to go through the difficult milestones but not more than
the excitement of when he does something new the first time ever. There are bad
days and there are good ones too- whether it's an overall net positive or a net
negative is upto your perception alone. I guess to know why being a mother is
worthwhile experience and to look beyond diaper changes, errant behaviour and
screaming toddlers, you will have to live through it yourself.
I can
say that I am submerged in motherhood yet I haven't lost my sense of self. It's
not just the changes in my personal life but changes around me that have helped
me stay content through this "phase". Yes backpacking across Europe
with an unlimited budget and minimal luggage or going out for an impromptu
dinner or a movie is in the distant past. (Thankfully I had done enough of that
before I took the plunge into sleepless nights of motherhood not to miss it
now!). But at the same time I hadn't read as many books in my life before, than
I have in the past two years!
Thanks
to the big change in the publications cartel that led to significant price cuts
for good, downloading ebooks at an average cost of $3 within minutes is a LEAP
over sitting at a bookstore named crossword frustrated with the lack of
options. Thanks to the development in the TV world we not only have high
quality entertainment that we can avail of sitting at home, but we can record
and watch whenever we choose to, as per our own convenience. I don't think TV
shows from before can really come close to Homeland, Big Bang Theory, VEEP or
Boss. And why will I EVER miss going to the theatre for watching story-less
pointless crappy bollywood nonsense (sorry! I loved em till sometime back but
the bar has REALLY risen high lately!). Yes friends don't come over every now
and then and my adult interaction has lessened but at the same time we are
closer to our parents now than we were in over a decade because of this little
child. The arts and crafts in his school have brought back memories from my
school days (hadn't drawn a line in between my school n his school days!).
I have
read Sheryl Sandbergs book cover to cover yet I don't feel the pang of
being jobless ("on a sabbatical" for well over two years!) and I
don't feel the loss of independence (something I mulled over a lot before
quitting). There is a good possibility that my careers already down the toilet
but I have very good reasons to stick to my decision and not getting into panic
mode.
There
are little things and there are big things that contribute to making my life
interesting. I KNOW things will change. I WILL get back to the workforce sooner
or later and my child will grow out of being a clingy toddler to a
who-needs-mom big boy. But the bottom line for now is that I am enjoying the present,
don't miss my past and don't worry much about the future :)
An excellent article Swapna!! First things first....Congrats on putting together things that so many of us moms have in mind, while taking a sabbatical. You're so right about old acquaintances calling up n asking "have you started working or you"re still at home?" Well, they don't realize that you work even harder during the sabbatical than when you were part of the corporate world. Yes, as you said, things WILL change! Its just a matter of time. Having been in your shoes till a few months (5 months) back, for three full years, getting back to a full time job was definitely tough. But today I look back with absolutely no regrets at the choice I made 3 years back, for my baby!! The reward being, those small open arms around your neck, when you return home, welcoming you with a smile, not wanting to leave you for a second. Which corporate role would ever give you so much satisfaction and fulfillment......I wonder!!
ReplyDeleteGood work Swapna!! Keep it up.
Hi Prema, I just happened to see your comment now, I guess these aren't getting delivered to my inbox as they are supposed to! Anyways thanks for your kind words and I'm sure you're juggling all balls in the air mighty well :)
DeleteLove, Swapna